One Month & Counting... Just Another Day, Right?

July 13th, 2012

Most days, I'm strong. Some days, I'm just doing a good job of holding it together. As I get closer and closer to August, I feel like I'm simply holding it together. I trust in God and His will for my life. I trust that God has a plan for Evan's life and death. That doesn't necessarily mean, however, that it's easy.

My son would be 11 months old today. At this point in the grieving process, I feel like most people have gone on with their lives and don't even think about Evan anymore. Very few people mention his name, or ask how I'm doing. Does this mean they don't care? Does this mean they've forgotten? Does this mean they think I'm "okay now" and don't need to talk about it? Does this mean that they're afraid to mention Evan's name for fear of hurting me? Does this mean they think it's time for me to "stop grieving" and move on?

Most days, I am doing okay. I can (and want to!) talk about Evan. Sure, I might be sad, but most days I can be sad and move on with my life at the same time. I feel like James and I have gotten used to our "new normal". This grief journey is such an up-and-down roller coaster ride, however, that sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking. Sometimes the pain has seemingly gone away, and other times it comes out of nowhere and hits me like a ton of bricks.

If you'd have asked me a few months ago about how I would feel as we got closer and closer to Evan's first heavenly birthday, I would have told you that it's just another day. No less painful, yet no more painful, than any other day since he's been gone. I was wrong. I don't want August to come at all.

Last year at this time, I was preparing to bring a baby home. James and I were finishing up our childbirth and infant care classes. I was packing my labor bags. I was finishing up the nursery. I was eager to work on school things knowing that all I had to do was get my classroom ready. Then I would get to start maternity leave and meet my little boy.

This summer is almost over, and I'm trying to gear up for another school year. Instead of eagerness, I am filled with that aching, sorrowful feeling of knowing that Evan is gone. The pain washes over me all over again as I face the fact that this year is so much different than the last. I don't get to see Evan once my classroom is all set up. I don't get to look forward to maternity leave, spending time with my son. It will be just another day. Another day with a gaping hole in my heart. Another day to "get through". Another day without my son.

I'm thankful for God's comfort and His strength. I'm thankful for those who have stood by me from the beginning, thankful for my husband, and for my Wriggley, who is always there to kiss away my tears. Please pray for me in the upcoming weeks. I am going to need it!!

What Makes A Mother?

  

May 13th 2012

~ Mother's Day ~

~ Evan's 9 month angelversary ~

     ~9 Months~This month has been difficult, and today was hard.  My son would be nine months old now.  Nine months that I carried him in my womb with anticipation of what was to come.  Nine months that I have lived without my son in my arms... anticipating a heavenly reunion to come.  As the school year winds down to a close, I should be looking forward to spending lazy summer days with him.  

     ~Mother's Day~Am I really a mother?  I didn't get to bring him home.  I haven't changed his diaper.  I haven't gotten up in the middle of the night to feed him.  I haven't stayed awake all night caring for a sick child.  I haven't taken him for doctor's check-ups or laid on the floor with him playing peek-a-boo or pat-a-cake.  I haven't given him a bath, or rocked him to sleep. I didn't get to sing him songs, or take him for walks.  But I did the best I knew how to do while I carried him.  I prayed for him, talked to him, read stories to him, so many other things.  I am a mother who carried my baby to full term, went through labor and delivery, and had to let him go. 

     I am a mother whose biggest priority for my son was to know and love God, and have a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ.  I made a promise to my son in the hospital.  I told him that I would have taught him to trust in God at ALL times, even during difficult circumstances.  I promised Evan that I would continue to do exactly that, even during this, the most difficult thing I've ever had to face.  I am a mother who keeps my promises to my son.  I am a mother who thinks about my son every day, and continues to pray for him even though he is already Home.  I am a mother who loves my son.
      Thank you to my husband for all you did to make this day special for me, even though our precious Evan couldn't be here with us.  Thank you to everyone who said, "Happy Mother's Day" to me, and remembered me as a mother, even though my son isn't here with me.   My dear friend, Linda, presented me with a beautiful handmade Mother's Day card (with a butterfly on the front), and a corsage when we arrived at church this morning, and I got to worship with some amazing friends today, Kindy & Corey, that I met through Evan.  James and I went out to lunch at Lazlo's and didn't even have to wait for a table to be ready.  We went miniature golfing and they even let me golf for free.  After that, we went home to pick up our "other child" Wriggley and we all went out to the cemetery to place decorations out at Evan's grave.  The hardest part of my day was leaving the cemetery after we visited Evan.  I did NOT want to leave!!!  We stopped by each of our mother's houses, and then came home to eat dinner.  James grilled hamburgers and we enjoyed a quiet evening out on the patio.  Finally, another dear friend, Ashley, and her family, came over to wish me a happy mother's day.  I may not understand everything that God has willed for my life, but I do know that I am truly blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. 

 (Saw this poem on my facebook grief support group and it made me cry!  Had to share!)
"The Busiest Day In Heaven"

It's the busiest day in Heaven
I'm planning a big surprise
To let you know I love you
And that no one ever dies

Even though your down below
And I am up above
I'm sending you my wishes
... And all my angel love

It's really quite exciting
To plan this big event
For lots of gifts will come your way
And all are Heaven sent

First I'll take a bubble bath-
My splashes might cause some rain
But knowing all the fun I'm having
Will help to ease your pain

Next I'll get some pictures
In my halo and gown
So when you get to Heaven
You can show me all around

I have color crayons in Heaven
And I will draw some stars so bright
And place them in the sky today
For you to see tonight

Then Jesus will have story time
And I will sit upon his lap
He'll tell me all about you
Just before I nap

I'll awake full of energy
And play a game or two
Before I finish sending
All my love to you

At night time I'll be tired
But I'll still hold you tight
My arms will wrap around you
And keep you through the night

As you drift slowly to sleep
I will whisper in your ear
I love you mummy 
Happy Mother's Day

 

Glimpse of a Rainbow

  

"The only way to see a rainbow is to look through the rain."

        I went to garage sales and consignment sales today and I admit, at first I felt like crying.  I would have also felt like crying if I didn't go!  Sounds strange, I know.  Who cries about a garage sale??  But you see, the last time I was in serious "garage sale mode", I was pregnant with Evan.  I was halfway through my pregnancy the last time Neat Repeatz had their kids sale and I was blissfully looking for baby things that I thought I would use in a few months.  I expected to use all of those awesome garage sale finds with my firstborn child.  I expected to use them with Evan.
       I've looked at baby things since I've lost Evan;  I've meandered through the baby aisles, and I've also been to a few garage sales already this year.  Everything I looked at was a painful reminder that I should be buying baby things for Evan!  Every time, I would think, "that would have been great... for Evan."
      James and I have been contemplating for awhile when the "right time" would be to try again.  It's been a difficult decision, for a myriad of reasons.  Physically, my body needed time to heal.  Financially, we're still paying for a baby we didn't even get to bring home.  I have to pray for the courage to face another pregnancy that will be a constant reminder of the only memories I have of Evan.  I also have to pray for the courage to stay calm and remain hopeful even though I'm not guaranteed any happy outcome at the end of any subsequent pregnancies. Most importantly, I have to be ready to accept another baby for who they are, not as a replacement for Evan.  Right after we lost Evan, I felt like I wanted to try again right away (but the doctor suggested waiting two to three months).  It's now been over eight months, but I'm glad that we waited, because at the time I wasn't ready for ANOTHER baby... I wanted my baby EVAN.  The nursery was decorated for him, those were his toys, and his clothes.  It's taken me awhile to work through these feelings.  I bought a curio cabinet awhile back to display Evan's things, keepsakes that are his and his alone, as a first step towards having another baby.  That way I could still honor Evan, and yet make room in the nursery for another little one.
       And today, while out bargain shopping, I did buy something for Evan.  I found a butterfly wind chime with green marble decorations in it (August's birthstone color is green), and I plan to put it out at the cemetery.  However, today for the first time, I noticed that there were more times than not when I thought, "Oh this would be so cute for our next baby!"  I bought a few baby outfits that aren't meant for Evan.  I bought a few other baby things that won't have the label, "Evan's".
      I began contemplating life in the future with our baby in heaven, and also a rainbow baby here with us.  It still makes me sad that Evan can't be here, and no doubt it always will.  The grief journey really never ends.  But today, however brief, I caught a glimpse of a rainbow through the rain.

Love This

Whose Perspective?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."  John 3:16-17







So many thoughts and emotions this Easter weekend...

I miss my son.  How I long to hold him, watch him learn to crawl and sit up, watch him play with his toys, sing songs to him.  I saw Evan's Easter outfit at Walmart the other day.  The one he would have worn to church tomorrow.  I almost bought it anyway.  A simple black suit, white shirt, purple and white striped tie.  There was a green one, too.  James probably would have liked that color better.  Either way, Evan would have looked so handsome in it.  I found a cute little stuffed bunny that I could've put in his Easter basket.  Something he could have taunted Wriggley with.  I did go ahead and buy that.  Something to decorate the cemetery with.  I miss my son.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't wondered, "How can this be Your Will?"
~SORROWFUL~

Our church always presents the life, death, and resurrection of our Lord and Savior in our Easter drama. Every year, I always watch with such emotion over the sacrifice that Jesus made for us, for me. To have endured such physical trauma and emotional pain for anyone, let alone me, in all honesty is beyond my comprehension.  Jesus KNEW ahead of time everything he would go through, and willingly endured ALL of this. Again, it really is beyond my comprehension.
~HUMBLED~AMAZED~

This year, I watched our Easter Drama with these same emotions, and so many new ones.  After I lost Evan, I longed to find other families out there, other mothers who have lost a child because I could talk with them and they "get it".  They know what it's like to lose a child, and they know the pain of waking up every day wondering what today would have been like had their child lived.  The struggle of experiencing sorrow and joy simultaneously.  The struggle of watching other babies being born, and other mothers proudly telling stories of their little ones (rightfully so), and yet we don't have any new stories to share.  Our story of our little ones ended the day they died.  As "babyloss mamas", we can get together and share (again and again) the same details of our baby's short life, because that's all we have left.  We share the happiness of what little time we had with them, and the comfort in knowing our babies are with Jesus, as well as the sadness that we have because we can't hold our little ones in our arms or watch them grow up.  And we "get it".
 ~UNDERSTOOD~

What really hit me as I watched our Easter Drama last weekend, is that GOD GETS IT too!  Not in an, "I know what you're going through because I'm GOD and I just know everything" kind of way, or "I know what you're going through because I can imagine how I would feel in that situation".  This might sound like a "well duh" moment, and maybe it is.  I always knew I could turn to God, and he would be there to comfort me, and He has.
 ~COMFORTED~

Lots of people can be there for you, however, and not really get it.  But God gets it.  Jesus knew sorrow and pain.  He LAID DOWN HIS LIFE for me.  Jesus suffered through physical and emotional pain, sorrow, and humiliation WILLINGLY.    God watched His Son suffer through pain, sorrow and humiliation WILLINGLY.  Because He loved us that much.  Wow.
~LOVED~

I was also drawn to Mary's story in a way that I had never felt before.  It was hard enough to say goodbye to my son in the hospital, yet I take comfort in the fact that Evan never had to experience pain and suffering.  Mary had to watch her son endure such hardship... stood helplessly by as he was beaten, mocked, and crucified.  I watched the video above and wept.  The pain in her mother's heart must have been agonizing.
~HEARTBROKEN~

God allowed all of this to happen because He knew this wasn't the end of the story.  God knew that all of this was taking place for a GREATER PURPOSE than what these folks could comprehend at the time.  I trust that God has a greater purpose for the events in my life than what I can see from my earthly perspective.  I can only imagine what "Easter" in heaven is like, but what a glorious time of praise and worship it must be.  It is only through the sacrifice that Jesus made, that I have hope of reuniting with my son in heaven.  And for that I feel overwhelming gratitude.
~JOYFUL~ANTICIPATION~FULL OF PRAISE~

He is risen!  He is risen indeed!  Happy Easter!

"He is not here; he has risen, just as he said." Matthew 28:6

Heaven Instead

A Babyloss Mother's Letter

19 Kids & Counting ~ The Duggar Family
I had never watched a single episode of this show before, never even heard of it.  A reality t.v. show about a (very large) family... I heard about this show's most recent episode and I had to watch it.  Expecting to walk into their ultrasound to learn the gender of their baby, they learn (with cameras rolling) that their unborn baby had died. 

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Heart-wrenching.  Painful.  Faithful.  Grateful.  Hopeful.
A letter written from Michelle Duggar to her baby girl.... words that are on the heart of every mother who has lost their baby...