Most days, I'm strong. Some days, I'm just doing a good job of holding it together. As I get closer and closer to August, I feel like I'm simply holding it together. I trust in God and His will for my life. I trust that God has a plan for Evan's life and death. That doesn't necessarily mean, however, that it's easy.
My son would be 11 months old today. At this point in the grieving process, I feel like most people have gone on with their lives and don't even think about Evan anymore. Very few people mention his name, or ask how I'm doing. Does this mean they don't care? Does this mean they've forgotten? Does this mean they think I'm "okay now" and don't need to talk about it? Does this mean that they're afraid to mention Evan's name for fear of hurting me? Does this mean they think it's time for me to "stop grieving" and move on?
Most days, I am doing okay. I can (and want to!) talk about Evan. Sure, I might be sad, but most days I can be sad and move on with my life at the same time. I feel like James and I have gotten used to our "new normal". This grief journey is such an up-and-down roller coaster ride, however, that sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling or thinking. Sometimes the pain has seemingly gone away, and other times it comes out of nowhere and hits me like a ton of bricks.
If you'd have asked me a few months ago about how I would feel as we got closer and closer to Evan's first heavenly birthday, I would have told you that it's just another day. No less painful, yet no more painful, than any other day since he's been gone. I was wrong. I don't want August to come at all.
Last year at this time, I was preparing to bring a baby home. James and I were finishing up our childbirth and infant care classes. I was packing my labor bags. I was finishing up the nursery. I was eager to work on school things knowing that all I had to do was get my classroom ready. Then I would get to start maternity leave and meet my little boy.
This summer is almost over, and I'm trying to gear up for another school year. Instead of eagerness, I am filled with that aching, sorrowful feeling of knowing that Evan is gone. The pain washes over me all over again as I face the fact that this year is so much different than the last. I don't get to see Evan once my classroom is all set up. I don't get to look forward to maternity leave, spending time with my son. It will be just another day. Another day with a gaping hole in my heart. Another day to "get through". Another day without my son.
I'm thankful for God's comfort and His strength. I'm thankful for those who have stood by me from the beginning, thankful for my husband, and for my Wriggley, who is always there to kiss away my tears. Please pray for me in the upcoming weeks. I am going to need it!!
