Glimpse of a Rainbow

  

"The only way to see a rainbow is to look through the rain."

        I went to garage sales and consignment sales today and I admit, at first I felt like crying.  I would have also felt like crying if I didn't go!  Sounds strange, I know.  Who cries about a garage sale??  But you see, the last time I was in serious "garage sale mode", I was pregnant with Evan.  I was halfway through my pregnancy the last time Neat Repeatz had their kids sale and I was blissfully looking for baby things that I thought I would use in a few months.  I expected to use all of those awesome garage sale finds with my firstborn child.  I expected to use them with Evan.
       I've looked at baby things since I've lost Evan;  I've meandered through the baby aisles, and I've also been to a few garage sales already this year.  Everything I looked at was a painful reminder that I should be buying baby things for Evan!  Every time, I would think, "that would have been great... for Evan."
      James and I have been contemplating for awhile when the "right time" would be to try again.  It's been a difficult decision, for a myriad of reasons.  Physically, my body needed time to heal.  Financially, we're still paying for a baby we didn't even get to bring home.  I have to pray for the courage to face another pregnancy that will be a constant reminder of the only memories I have of Evan.  I also have to pray for the courage to stay calm and remain hopeful even though I'm not guaranteed any happy outcome at the end of any subsequent pregnancies. Most importantly, I have to be ready to accept another baby for who they are, not as a replacement for Evan.  Right after we lost Evan, I felt like I wanted to try again right away (but the doctor suggested waiting two to three months).  It's now been over eight months, but I'm glad that we waited, because at the time I wasn't ready for ANOTHER baby... I wanted my baby EVAN.  The nursery was decorated for him, those were his toys, and his clothes.  It's taken me awhile to work through these feelings.  I bought a curio cabinet awhile back to display Evan's things, keepsakes that are his and his alone, as a first step towards having another baby.  That way I could still honor Evan, and yet make room in the nursery for another little one.
       And today, while out bargain shopping, I did buy something for Evan.  I found a butterfly wind chime with green marble decorations in it (August's birthstone color is green), and I plan to put it out at the cemetery.  However, today for the first time, I noticed that there were more times than not when I thought, "Oh this would be so cute for our next baby!"  I bought a few baby outfits that aren't meant for Evan.  I bought a few other baby things that won't have the label, "Evan's".
      I began contemplating life in the future with our baby in heaven, and also a rainbow baby here with us.  It still makes me sad that Evan can't be here, and no doubt it always will.  The grief journey really never ends.  But today, however brief, I caught a glimpse of a rainbow through the rain.